Friday, July 29, 2011


That's what my Wednesday evening yoga teacher calls me!

(He used to call me sunshine but I hadn't been to his class in so long--he said, " Tsk Tsk...I haven't seen you in so long!"--and when I went back last week I had a new pet name)

A pet name I really really like actually! (I just like pet names in general which is why even my cats have them! Suave Kitty, Vex Kitty) It's just so funny to me because when I looked around the class I was indeed the only brown person! But I am usually the minority at my gym--because of my brownness and needing to exercise especially especially! Many, maybe most, people are Caucasian and seem to want to lose a little weight or maintain their weight and fitness level. I always notice the other brown people or the ones who are carrying extra weight around because they are noticeable.

I know some black people wouldn't want to be called "chocolate" and would be offended but since the teacher is very chatty, silly/funny, and is himself a brown person--from Guyana (Indian ancestry)--it works. 

My skin color is mostly invisible to me since I don't really think about it (I think I would be more aware if I wasn't born on an island with 99 % brown people) but I have been more aware of needing to exercise to lose weight at a gym where most people don't. So it is something I am aware of--but only slightly and only sometimes. Sometimes I remind myself when I'm in fitness classes and wondering if I'm working as hard as everyone else and what the instructor must think of me, that everyone should be glad I'm there because I need to be there....HELLO :) Not to mention how I can feel changing in front of women who are already thin and don't seem to know a thing about back fat but then I remind myself that it is gym and I need to be there DESPERATELY :)

Have a great weekend, everyone! On my agenda is researching grad programs, finishing a draft of my personal statement for grad applications, 1 hr spin class, reading some of this eating workbook, picnic after church. I always love hearing your plans! Share, hmm?

Today was the last say of VBS: When I got to the church, some of the little ones were playing outside and I was passing by them to go inside, a 6 year old boy came up to me and said, "I missed you! I was up all last night thinking about you!"

That was so hilarious to me!


Wednesday, July 27, 2011

less fries.

thanks for the luv on my last post, kittens

roses for you <3

Did you hear that McDonald's is cutting the amount of fries given in Happy Meals?!

"Bowing to pressure from antiobesity campaigns, McDonald’s is putting the Happy Meal on a diet. The company announced Tuesday that it had planned changes to its popular children’s meal that will more than halve the amount of French fries in the package and add fruit.The new Happy Meals will be introduced in September. In most cases, they will include apple slices, or perhaps another fruit, and parents will have the option of requesting vegetables in lieu of fries. Additionally, the company will still offer a choice of milk with 1 percent fat, and is adding fat-free chocolate milk, although the default will be a cup for soda or water." -- NY Times, yesterday

I’m sure it’s no news to you that Micky D’s (and eating places like it) has received much criticism because of the increase of child obesity and it’s supposed part to play in that.

Did you know that in San Francisco kid meals aren’t allowed to contain toys unless they fulfill certain nutritional requirements?! That’s the kind of political shoving McDonald’s is getting—and a certain NY councilman is vocal for a toy removal in kid meals that aren’t nutritionally competent like in SF.

What are your thoughts on this?

Current Happy Meal with chicken nuggets: 530 cals, 23 grams fat
New Happy Meal with chicken nuggets (and less fries): 435 cals, 17 grams fat

11 % <---- That’s the amount of parents—according to a Yale study—who ask to opt fruit for fries, which McDonald’s has had as an available option for quite some time now.

When I first read the article, I thought, “Now, that’s ridiculous.”  I thought that anti-obesity campaigns and politicians would do much better work to educate parents and children. For instance, the little girl I babysit (she’s half french) told me that on french children’s television channels, there are nutritional ads between shows that discourage snacking for example. That would be awesome in America! The government should mandate nutritional ads for commercial breaks between children’s shows. And nutrition workshops for parents should be held in schools! That’s the kind of government involvement and interference I believe in. It doesn’t make sense to hold McDonald’s accountable for something parents should be held responsible for.

So that was my thought until I considered that much of us know that fast foods should be eaten very little if at all, and we still give it our chubby children. I do believe that children shouldn’t have to suffer in the name of parental irresponsibility!

But mostly I believe that the focus shouldn’t be on what McDonald’s serves, but on parental responsibility. In the back of my head are parents who don’t seem to care enough though….Do you see why I'm terrible for debating?! I always see both sides :)

Your thoughts?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

these days.

Imagine me:

Back chub sweltering last week in the ny heat. Oh, it was bad. BAD with capitals. It's cooled up some though.

Jesus stickers. Everywhere. I'm teaching arts & crafts at the vbs at my mom's church. Just two weeks till a little after midday each weekday, this being the second week. The little bodies are ever so good to look at, but so exhausting to think about later!

Read this book.

Regular blogging resumes resumes--miss me? Like the new yellow background? It's sumsunny!         

The GRE, huh? It felt alright throughout. Thank you for your prayers and kind thoughts!  I felt confident throughout the essays and alright in the math and verbal sections. There were some challenges but I expected to do well (to meet the score I set for myself). So imagine my shock when I saw my reported scores on the math and verbal (I have to wait a week for the essay scores) to see that I did average--not bad not good, but ok. I was devastated because I had been studying for weeks! And the grades I got on the many many practice exams I took weren't reflected. The heat didn't help. I didn't cry I'm glad to say! But I was grumpy with Suave kitty, my mother, God...

An average score on the math doesn't matter so much to me, but I wanted to get higher on the verbal since I'm applying to Creative Writing programs, some of which are ultra competitive as in 1% acceptance rate. So 500 people will apply and 4 writers will make it in. Anyways, Erika says I should have faith.

It was SO frustrating and disappointing to put so much work in and not see the results--kind of like weight-loss for many of you! I think I will practice more and retake the exam later this fall. The thing is that the GRE isn't a do or die thing for me, since many of the programs (a few top ones even) don't even require the GRE to apply. All they care about is the writing sample! But since some programs do, I took the exam and I think I'm retaking it because I worry that a good score on the GRE--an exam meant to test graduate level work--can be the deciding point between two talented candidates. But blah, everyone knows that standardized tests aren't a fair judge of intelligence or ambition!

So, hello. Back tomorrow promise. love, me!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


Forgive my silence.

I’m taking the GRE in exactly the day after a week from now—next thursday! I’m teetering between anxiety and confidence!

Busy, busy times.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been able to get much better at the Quantitative (Math) section of the exam. I virtually had to learn to count again. Like, suddenly the times tables I learnt in elementary school held value again…the harder ones I forgot though (a couple days ago it took me literally two minutes to figure out 9 times 7).

The verbal part of the exam is easier for me (but still a challenge!)—and it’s actually the part that matters more for me since I’m apply to Creative Writing MFA programs that are much more interested in my verbal and essay scores . Lots of people have said to me, “Oh the verbal part should be so easy for you!” Not so at all since a large part of the exam tests vocabulary and words that no one uses in real life.

So that’s what I’ve been doing mostly. What are y’all up to?

Things are going well in the exercise department and ok (my appetite is low: CRAZYsounlikeme) eating-wise. I probably won’t be able to fit blogging in till after the exam unfortunately…pray that I do alright?! Lovelovelove.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


Besides from still sometimes eating too much till it hurts, I feel so ready to claim my health. 

Some things I'm certain of: 

When people are mean and you respond in kindness, it kills them.

Nothing nothing matters more than your self respect.

And you have to broken--i.e. reach your lowest point ever...i.e. your feet touching the very bottom of the pit you're climbing out of--to realize what you want, what you want to aspire to. How much more you want to be. That your current situation is too tired too old and doesn't fit anymore. 

That last thing is what I think when someone says to me that they've been circling the same old thing again and again or even making the same mistakes. They haven't learnt yet, they haven't been broken yet is what I think. Because when you've been broken there is anywhere you can go except up.  

But that's just my take on it. For a long time, I wasn't ready to take weight-loss seriously (lots of denial) and even though it's still a challenge, I feel so much faith now. I only have to learn how to sustain healthy living. I'm feeling hopeful can't you tell?! I think my brokenness is knowing I can do so much better, can live so much better, and that it's all so within reach. Really, I'm so blessed to still be breathing that there is no reason I should be living in a body that has a (self caused) toll on me. I think I'm seeing the potential in me--and that breaks me.

These photos--beautiful right?! Saw them on Shanika's camera, was wowed, and asked her to share. She took them in Prospect Park last week.

lovelovelove, friends--can't believe the week is ending already!


Wednesday, July 6, 2011

recently: comfort foods.

Let me tell you about my vice foods: cheesy, carby, potatoe-y, sweet not too too sweet just right sweet.

Recently, I was telling someone something for the sake of pleasant conversation when my regular gym attendance as something "I do" came up.

"What's your goal?" he asked.

I was a little shocked because looking at me maybe he assumed that I needed a goal (obviously) and was asking about it, so I said, "Oh, well, I gained like forty pounds during my last year of college so I'm trying to lose it."

We chatted a bit about stress eating, depression eating (he said he doesn't eat when he's depressed--clearly I do!), yadda yadda...and then he asked something about my trigger foods (He didn't actually use the term "trigger foods"...that would be weird)...

"No, I actually don't eat much meat," I said.

"So then you're a carb person?"       

"No, no...not really...not especially."

But I'm realizing how true it is! Carbs do do it for me...the bread form not really...but carbs especially because they are my favorite comfort foods: think baked macaroni cheese, mashed potatoes, potato salad, french fries, potatoes probably most ways, probably all ways. I have a thing for potatoes!

In the past couple weeks, a couple times I have eaten too much carbs cooking for my family. Too much pasta laid out on my bed painfully filled of food. Last last saturday we had a birthday picnic for Kimberly and I made the mistake of taking leftover mac and cheese and potato salad home! Oh man. That night I wasn't hungry but devoured it all anyway, then was depressed at eating too much like always.

I really think that my off and on decent/bad eating habits are why my weight fluctuates so much. Lesigh. I am definitely going to start going back to OA this week. I know I've been saying this for forever, but clearly I need more help than simply trying to lose the weight. BTW a lot of people get to my blog by searching things like "first OA meeting," so I need to write some more about the program (which I love because it's a spiritual one.)

Happy Wednesday! I'm off to study for a few hours, then a spin class. Tonight is also my second to last GRE prep class. I can't believe I'm taking the exam in almost exactly two week! CRUNCH TIME.