Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wednesday Weigh-In.

I've finally decided to stop eating.

The past three weeks or so, have been especially reckless.
Truthfully, there were days when I was eating enough for 3 people.
I was always thinking about the next thing to eat. And it was really really scary, especially when I realized that if I continued on that path I could become twice my size--easily over three hundred pounds--in no time.

I've written about my difficulty to keep the weight off this year. For a while, I keep losing and regaining the same ten pounds. Then finally I got down to 187 this summer. I was happy and I might have gotten too comfortable with ONLY 37 POUNDS TO GO! (Sorry for the capitalization, just trying to express my mental happiness.)

Over the semester, I let stress and feeling sad/lonely/etc. get the better of me.

Earlier today, I was watching this music video when I realized that my eating journey over the past three or so months, can be compared to the five stages of grief.

Denial: The first five pounds didn't bother me too much. I figured I could lose them quickly. GREEN MONSTERS! SALADS! HI-YA!

Anger: But I didn't change my behavior so I continued to gain weight, and I became really frustrated with myself, which only led to more self-depreciation and more eating. 

Bargaining: I kept saying, "I'll eat this now, BUT I'll start fresh for the new week."

Depression: It's really really sad to see all your hard work unraveling. I felt the added weight weighing me down, my breasts are bigger (I was ecstatic when I went down a size earlier this year), my face and neck is fatter, and my stomach--the most unhealthy place to hold fat--is bigger.) 

Acceptance: I've decided to accept the choices I've made and I'm ready to move forward.

True story: Food really isn't going to solve any of our problems.

It isn't going to make us feel better about ourselves. I know it helps momentarily, but don't let that fool you.

I'm back to the weight I started this year at: 224 pounds.
It was a hard realization, but it's mine, it's me. I intend to do everything I can about it. Will share more soon.

Till tomorrow,



Trisha said...

For starters, you use the best pictures ever! I love the smile, the seriousness in the second one, and the flower is just beautiful. I am sorry that there was some bad news in this post... however the best part about it is this...

"Acceptance: I've decided to accept the choices I've made and I'm ready to move forward."

keep your chin up!

Shay said...

I'm sorry about your setback. I'm positive you'll emerge victorious in the end. I DO want to thank you for linking the Green Monster drink though! I've heard many things about green smoothies and seeing this again was a reminder that I should try it out. Thanks for the diamond of info!

I'm sure you'll get over this slump. These things are usually temporary. You can do it! :)

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

- Trisha, haha, the photos can be a bit melodramatic. ha!
Me, too. I'm sorry that acceptance took so many pounds to gain, but I'm glad I'm here...finally. I really appreciate your support.

- Thanks, Shay, for your encouragement :) It's insane--we really must meet in person soon. I love green monsters. My favorite flavor is banana-peanut butter. I can totally forget that the spinach is there!

Yum Yucky said...

That sunflower. They start out as the tiniest, wee little sprouts. But they grow to such stature and strength and beauty. I can't help but to think you choose that sunflower for a reason - whether you realize it or not.

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

:) Josie

Christine said...

and you are there. here is to a new year.

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

here's to '11, chris :)

My Bestfriend's Little Sister(MBLS) said...

Oh all the best, it happens to all of us. Wishing you all the best for the new year!

pinkvision said...

You may be back where you started but in the meantime you've learned so much about yourself, and that's a wonderful gain. Just imagine what you can do for yourself with that knowledge! :)

Alexia @ Dimple Snatcher said...

- Thank, MBLS :)))
- Thanks for the reminder, Pink. I couldn't agree more :)

SOUL + FOOD said...

At the beginning of this post I thought you had given up but at the end I was happy to see that you're ready to move on to the next chapter. I love your reminder of food not being a problem solver because I tend to forget that when I'm emotional. In the end just remember that you're not alone, there are a bunch of us who are fighting the same fight and are here to support one another.


PS: I saw your comment about visiting your favorite vegetarian spot, I'm looking forward to that in 2011! :)

Anne H said...

It IS exactly like the stages of grief....
And the bargaining, the denial......
It may also be like Maslow.....
the Hierarchy of Needs....
We can't start a project THIS big,
until we are on a certain level of
stability in other areas!
Maybe I've been working on a post about it.

In the mean while, don't worry too much about it....
The worry won't change anything, and only tends to make things worse.
Some of us are prone to negative self-talk anyways!

Here's to a Happy New Year!
Refocused, Dimple-Snatcher style!

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